Dr Claire Pickin           

...All training is a preparation to go beyond training.  It is the effort we make to reach 'the effortless'.  There are no rules.  There is only a sense of the appropriateness that floats in the heart, changing from moment to moment.
                                               Stephen Levine - Meetings at the Edge

Despite being a GP of ten years' experience I had never heard of healers and had no idea what healing might involve.  I found myself on a stress reduction course for doctors and the Sunday afternoon was billed as an introduction to healing.  I was quite sceptical about the idea of energy fields around the body and was the only member of the group unable to sense them with my hands.

  We were working in pairs, supposedly trying to balance each others' chakras - the energy centres along the midline of the body.  My partner felt I was out of balance and mentioned this to the healer as she walked past.  She offered to help by giving me some healing.  I stood for her healing, feeling very self conscious, until suddenly I found myself unaware of anything except a beautiful warmth and tranquillity.  I felt 'loved to death'.  I don't know how long this lasted but on becoming aware of my surroundings again I felt cold and shivery and was advised to go and sit quietly in the next room.

  "You were very depleted," the healer explained, and asked me what had been going on in my life over recent months.

  Earlier in the year my younger sister, Vivienne, had been found to have growths spreading in her lungs from her breast cancer, diagnosed two years previously.  I felt I had come to terms with the fact that she was terminally ill and was doing my best to be supportive to her and the rest of the family.  However, my mood had become very flat and everything became an effort.  Getting through my surgeries seemed like wading through treacle and I found myself becoming more and more resentful of my patients' demands on my time.

  I had not made any connection between these difficulties and Vivienne's illness.  However, because I recognised I was not coping at work, I signed up for this stress reduction weekend.

  On the first day one of the relaxation techniques was guided visualisation.  We had to blow whatever problem we were ready to let go of into a balloon and then let it float away.  I decided I was ready to deal with Vivienne's imminent death and calmly blew her into my balloon.  I was totally unprepared for the absolute panic and distress that welled up in me the minute I tried to let go of the balloon.  No way could I let go!  I found myself sobbing loudly and quickly sat up, embarrassed at having disturbed the group.

  This was the first time I allowed myself to feel and not just think about what Vivienne's illness meant to me.

   I now realise that the exercise would have been easier if I'd blown my fear of Vivienne's death into the balloon and not poor Vivienne - but I was a beginner then.  It was also a valuable lesson about the nature of suppressed emotions, something that until then I felt other people had but not me.

  I was more than a little anxious when I asked at the course about the possibility of a healer helping Vivienne, and was told, "You can help her!"...and more so when my urgent queries as to how I should go about this were met with a calm, "You'll know.  Just do what feels right.  You're very intuitive."  Such answers are incredibly frustrating to a doctor who has spent her whole life to date in her left (thinking, logical) brain, looking for a well defined management plan - and definitely not spent much time in her right (intuitive and feeling) brain.

  A week later I found myself alongside Vivienne's bed in hospital while she awaited drainage of her large pleural effusions (water on the lungs).  She was tense and frightened, sitting bolt upright, with every accessory muscle in operation while she fought for breath.  I felt totally helpless as I sat alongside her, wondering why her doctor was taking so long.

  I then remembered an exercise from the course where we sat opposite each other in pairs holding hands with our partner.  One had tried to feel sad but had found this almost impossible while the other was feeling joyous and happy.  I took both of Vivienne's hands in mine and tried to think calm and loving thoughts.  Within minutes she relaxed back into her pillow.  The transformation was so sudden I initially worried she had died!  Instead, she opened her eyes, smiled and murmured, "I wish you could stay all night."  I was amazed at the calming effect such a simple exercise had on her and was able to witness this on many occasions before she died.  I found it especially effective repeating the exercise with my hands on the soles of her feet.

  Subsequently I have found this exercise very useful with terminal patients in my practice, especially when they are restless with pain or breathlessness.

  After Vivienne died I had time to reflect upon how beneficial it had been to be able to help her in such a simple way before she died.  It was incredible that in my ten years of experience as a doctor I had never heard of healing.  Why were we not introduced to this subject at medical school?  Surely if there was such a simple technique available to relieve some of our patients' distress we should know about it.

  The experience, needless to say, marked a spiritual awakening.  I felt like someone in a desert who had just come upon an oasis.  However I also found a whole range of emotions when thinking about my own healing ability: disbelief, embarrassment, a sense of failure that Vivienne had died, fear that in some way my life was going out of control, and more.

  I was lucky on several counts.  The healer I met on the London course actually lived locally in the Midlands and gave me tremendous help and support.  I have a brother who accepted the whole scenario without batting an eyelid.  "So - you have a healing gift.  Lots of people have gifts.  A sense of humour is a healing gift.  What's the big deal?!"  This refreshingly down to earth approach was just what I needed.  I also met another doctor who has been familiar with healing for a long time.  In my enthusiasm for healing I had felt that maybe I should give up my job as a GP and devote my time to healing.  As the sole supporter of my son I was frightened by the financial consequences of such a decision.  She pointed out that many care professionals are healers, whether they are aware of it or not, and that is most likely why they were attracted to caring roles.  "Just work on yourself.  The rest will take care of itself.  Before you start your surgeries remember to centre yourself and to ask for help."

  This simple advice has proved invaluable.  Learning to let go and let things take care of themselves was an alien concept for me and one that I initially found hard to put into practice.  When I do let go, however, I never cease to be amazed at the developments.

  For example, a Mr. and Mrs. A. attended my surgery with marital problems.  Mrs. A. had announced to her husband that she wanted a divorce as she felt stifled by his dependence on her.  She had then become alarmed by his desperation in response to this and, fearing he might be suicidal, brought him to see the doctor.

  Relationship problems are not my strong point or favourite area to deal with and I found myself asking to myself, "Can I have some help here, please?"  After listening to her story, I turned to Mr. A. and asked, "How was your parents' marriage?"

  He was clearly taken aback by this question - but then so was I.  "I don't see how that's relevant," he replied, evasively.  I persisted and he responded, "My father died when I was 14, but as far as I know the marriage was fine."  Further gentle enquiring revealed that he came home from school one day to find his father had hanged himself in the kitchen.  Mr. A. had been the one who cut him down.  His father was then 44.

  "How old are you?" I asked.

  "Forty-four."...(long pause)...

  "And you're worried you won't make 45?"

  The story had been told quite dispassionately so far but now he began to sob.  He then told me that he had been suffering from a recurrent nightmare.

  "Of finding your father hanging?" I asked.

  "No."  The nightmare never featured his father but took the form of various scenarios with a similar ending: Being too late.  The poignancy of this was about too much to bear.  This poor man had not only carried silently with him for thirty years the distress and abandonment of his father's suicide but also the guilt that had he come home more quickly from school that day, his father might still be alive.

  His wife was very quickly able to see how all this unresolved emotion would make him very vulnerable and explain his exaggerated fear of another abandonment.  They resolved to postpone any decisions on the future of their marriage until he had had counselling to help him deal with his very traumatic past.

  I was stunned when they left.  Where had that initial question about his parents come from?  I realised when one asks for help one often gets more than bargained for.

  The recognition that each of my patients is on his own unique and individual path gives an enjoyment to my surgeries such that I can now meet even the most demanding patient with an interested curiosity.  I still have my bad days when I feel drained and disillusioned but I recognise now that the problem is with me and not with the patients.

  Eighteen months on it is difficult for me to remember how much of an impact that first healing session made on my life.  I still feel I would like my patients to benefit from more formal healing sessions at the surgery and so was both amazed and delighted when my still sceptical partners recently agreed to give this a trial, with a healer working one afternoon a week in the surgery.

  Another exciting development is the start of a small local support group.  Up until recent months I was unable to find any interested doctors but recently three have found me and along with two nurses and five healers we will have our first meeting this month.

  I feel that both of these developments have coincided with a final acceptance on my part of healing and my role as a healer.  Despite my enthusiasm there has lurked in the recesses of my mind an embarrassment about being involved with anything so 'gonky'.  It was as if I still expected someone to knock on my door and explain that everything had been an elaborate hoax to expose the gullibility of supposedly intelligent doctors, who could be led to believe that they had some power to influence another person by waving their hands over them.  I have finally laid this to rest and as a friend recently pointed our, "Claire, it's time to come out of the closet."

Dr Claire Pickin, 14 Claverdon Road, Coventry CV5 7HI
 

You may quote from or reproduce these editorial clips if you include the following credits and email contact:
Copyright © Daniel J. Benor, M.D. 1993 Reprinted with permission of the author P.O. Box 76 Bellmawr, NJ 08099 www.WholisticHealingResearch.com   DB@WholisticHealingResearch.com 

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