Maggy Whitehouse           

                              We would rather be ruined than changed.
                                                                            W. H. Auden

When our lives aren't working we all have one thing in common.  We wish the world would change around us instead of having to change ourselves.  When we encounter conflicts it is easy to believe that everything is the other person's fault and they should be the one who sorts things out.

  The truth of the matter is that if we continue in our own comfortable pattern while expecting a different result we are living in a cloud cuckoo land.  All we will create is the same problem all over again.  You can call it the law of Karma:  What you put out you get back.   You can invoke Newton's third law of motion:  For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Whichever philosophy you choose, the end result is the same.  If nobody changes, nothing changes.

  "Why me?" is often the next question.  Why not the other person?  If we make the logical assumption that any other parties in the issue feel exactly the same way about change as we do, then it is up to us to decide whether we wait for them to do something while we go round and round in the same old circle (which could continue for years, if not lifetimes) or accept the challenge of changing ourselves.

  It's not even that easy if anyone else does change.  We have just as strong a resistance to that.  How often do we judge those who walk out on a marriage, or leave a stable job to go self-employed or move to another place?  At best we think them foolish and at worst we condemn them.  What we are actually doing is crying out with pain that someone else has had the courage to risk a better life when we are stuck in our rut.  They must be attacked in case that kind of behaviour becomes the norm and our own marriages, jobs and homes are open to question.

  Such resistances to change are not natural but learnt from our parents, teachers and peers.  Mother nature requires everything to change and grow.  We are born, we flower, reproduce, mature and die.  Friendships and relationships are formed, go their natural course and often fade away as our lives develop.  If we resist the natural cycle of growth we end up as a kind of San Andreas fault.  Something's got to give but we'll hold on until the very last minute.  Then, what a crashing down of worlds there is.  What quarrels and bitterness and regret.

  The pain of actively resisting change is so obvious to the counsellor or psychotherapist.  People sit in my room paralysed within their own life because they are holding so tightly to the reins of control.  They know they need help but so often the prospect of moving on is more frightening than staying stuck in their current pain.  Their bodies are tense with fear and they look for excuses galore for not doing the things which would ultimately release their problems.  The first thing I explain is that resisting change is a life-long task.  Change is the natural law and if we will not allow it, we must resist it with all our strength for the rest of our days.  Even worse, every day we will be afraid in case something slips our of our control and an earthquake erupts.

  The truth is that changing DOESN'T have to hurt.  Like everything else, there are ways to lessen the impact and let things happen gently.  Life is too short to suffer and once we have the knack of allowing change we wave goodbye to most of our pain.

  If my client is willing to try to let their life flow more easily, I will ask them to play a game with me, starting with crossing their arms.

  "Does that feel comfortable?" I ask.

  "Yes."

  "Now cross them the other way."  (It will often take a good minute to find out how the arms fit the other way!)

  "Is that comfortable?"

  No, it feels odd."

  "Does it feel wrong?"

  "Yes...well no, just uncomfortable."

  That's how change feels.

  If just that little action feels odd, is it any wonder we feel upset at the thought of changing a long standing habit?  Even if it has been driving us crazy it still feels very uncomfortable to do anything else.

  I then ask the client about all their little habits.  Which eyebrow do they raise when puzzled?  Which hand do they use to pick up their tea cup?  With which leg do they take the first step?  What part of the body do they wash first?  In which order do they put on their clothes?  In which pocket does their handkerchief go?  Which eye do they make up first?  Most of the time they don't even know!

  Their task for the week is to change these tiny habits and then watch their reaction and resistance to doing so.

  Most of us find that really hard at first, but then it's just funny.  John simply didn't know how to tie his shoelaces in a different kind of way and roared with laughter at his self-limitation and helplessness.  Philippa was almost in tears of frustration when she lost her watch, until she remembered she was wearing it on the opposite wrist.  Simon took five days to learn to blow his nose with his left hand instead of his right.

  Having to concentrate on tiny everyday things brings focus and laughter back into our lives.  Try the little changes with children  They will be in fits of giggles within seconds.  Try them with a friend. (You may meet resistance at first because, after all, it is a change.)  Try them with your partner.  At the very least you will see how you may be resisting change in the rest of your life.  At the best you will have the biggest laugh for years.

  There are four reasons why this process works:

  1.  It helps people get used to how change feels so they can release their fear of it and grow comfortable with the idea.  You would be amazed at how much easier it is to change jobs, lifestyle or attitude once you are not hit between the eyes with your perception that your new feeling, being odd, is wrong.

  2.  It makes us live in the moment instead of running our lives on automatic pilot.  Living in the now is one of the most powerful healing aids we can use.  Most of our problems belong to tomorrow or yesterday and that is where we spend 90 percent of our lives - worrying.

  3.  It is good to start with little changes before we address the more challenging ones.  It is not setting ourselves up for failure.  If we plan a tiny change and forget to do it, there is always another chance within 24 hours.  If we try to stop smoking or to change a relationship and achieve nothing or panic we can get seriously upset and discouraged with ourselves.

The highest mountain is climbed just one small step at a time.

  4.  As we change tiny things in our lives, other tiny things start changing too.  Issues shift very slightly.  People who have held us back begin to change themselves or fade away.  Applying the Karmic or Newtonian laws, if you change, the rest of the world must change, too.  It is inevitable.  So the results we want but were afraid to aim for come slowly, gently and almost imperceptibly.  There is no threat and no fear.

  I've never yet come across a case where people who were prepared to change the little habits did not find that the larger issues became easier to resolve.  When change is accepted and welcomed there is no limit to what we can do in our lives.  By changing the little things and being gentle with ourselves we show our commitment to moving on without pain.

Maggy Whitehouse, a healer, is coordinator for the Midlands Doctor-Healer Network group.  She is co-editor of The Tree of Life, a Midlands holistic directory.
 

You may quote from or reproduce these editorial clips if you include the following credits and email contact:
Copyright © Daniel J. Benor, M.D. 1993 Reprinted with permission of the author P.O. Box 76 Bellmawr, NJ 08099 www.WholisticHealingResearch.com   DB@WholisticHealingResearch.com 

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