Dr. Daniel Benor                

   Entering our grief directly, we see so clearly, perhaps as in no other process, our capacity to heal the past.  Each loss offers us a remarkable opportunity of healing every loss.  In every loss is recapitulated all previous losses.
                                            Stephen Levine

Life inevitably includes many 'little deaths' and bereavements.  The change may take many forms: parting from mentors and friends when we graduate from class or school or move homes;  when we change or lose jobs or possessions - perhaps through theft or fire;  when our children leave home or when other roles in our lives are altered;  when we lose some of our capacities - through illness or ageing; and more.  These and other adjustments to life's changes which we must face are preparations for our own and our dear ones' departure from physical existence.
  The processes of grieving are the same, whether one's losses are major or minor.(1)  At first there is shock and denial.  We say, "No! It can't be true!  They're not letting me go from this job I've held for___ years."  Then we might go through a period of mental or actual bargaining, playing out in our minds or with others various possible scenarios which might reverse the blow.  "Maybe it's a mistake." we say, clinging to hope.  These stages usually last only hours or a few days.
  Then come a combination of three emotions, which may alternate in any order over a period of weeks and months.  We feel hurt at the injustice and inequities of the situation.  We feel anger at the people responsible for making decisions, at the authorities who created the conditions contributing to the dismissal, and perhaps at ourselves for having done or not done things which may have weighed in the balance of the decisions and actions against us.  We feel guilt over any small or large contributions we might have made to the situation.
  Then comes the period of depression, which often takes months to work through.  We grieve and mourn the satisfaction, support, and security we enjoyed.  We are put out at having to change our habits and perhaps our life style.  We are hurt by the apparent injustices of chance or choice which placed us in this situation rather than others.

            ...Self pity turns into depression and disease.  Grieving frees up the body, the soul, and the mind, and keeps our center emptied out and allows love and joy to come in its place.                                                                                        
                          John Lee - At My Father's Wedding

Some of these feelings may be within our conscious awareness and expressed directly to those involved, or to family and friends.  Other feelings, especially anger and hurt, might be held in one's unconscious mind, which 'protects' us from emotional pain by denying and repressing uncomfortable emotions.  Perhaps we were taught by our family or society to keep a stiff upper lip, or that showing hurt is not or 'manly'.  When we do not let the feelings out directly, they fester inside us, seeking to be expressed.  We may become irritable with people for no apparent reason, or withdraw from their company to hide or avoid expressing our pain and anger.
  Gradually we resolve the feelings and adjust to the changes in our lives.
  Every grief is also an opportunity to release previous griefs which we were unable at the original times to allow ourselves to experience and express fully.  Conversely, if we shut off our grieving over little losses, the feelings held inside incline us towards locking further hurts in the depths of our being - both by established habit and to prevent the release of what our unconscious mind was told to hide previously because it was felt to be too painful to experience.
  Sometimes a person finds themselves stuck in prolonged grief.  'Bella', a forty five year old married woman came to me for psychotherapy three years after losing her job due to prolonged sick leave necessitated by chronic fatigue syndrome (ME).  She had previously been friendly and sociable but now was impatient, irritable, and likely to snap at anyone - even at innocent bus drivers and postmen who did not perform their duties to her immediate satisfaction.  Her irritability was affecting her marriage.  Though her husband had been very patient with her, they were beginning to have arguments.  She was worried that her husband might not be able to continue to tolerage her illness and resulting depression.
  In my practice of psychotherapy and healing in the treatment of losses (as with other problems) I find that these two treatments complement each other nicely.  Through the therapeutic relationship with clients I am able to provide support, understanding, explanations that these processes are natural, understandable, and common to everyone who sustains a loss.  I am able to recommend books which share experiences of others in coping with losses, along with therapeutic suggestions.(2-6)  Sometimes I suggest a videotape.7-8  I am able to help clients sort out their feelings and relationships.
  Bella was surprised to learn that her angers were a natural aspect of grieving.  This removed a measure of feeling guilty over being snappy with her husband and others.  She was relieved to find a place where it was okay to cry out some of the buried hurts over losing her abilities to cope with physical exertions.
  Often there are emotional hurts from the past which are buried in the unconscious minds of clients, resonating with the current situation.  Old feelings, which were not expressed at the time of a previous loss, are stirred by the current loss and produce inappropriate intensity in responses to the current situation, out of proportion to its seriousness.
  Bella's grandfather had died when she was six.  Her parents did not let her attend the funeral, out of a wish to protect her from being frightened.  She got the idea into her mind that she shouldn't cry out her hurts.  This injunction interfered with her ability to let out frustrations over her illness, and the early hurts remained buried in her heart till this later opportunity of her upset with her illness came to release them.
  Healing reduces anxieties, quickly establishes a deep bond between healer and healee, and facilitates the expression of intense feelings which a person might otherwise take weeks and months to release.  In part this is due simply to the diminution of anxiety, but healing contributes much more.  The human contact of touch adds much to the therapeutic relationship.  Healing brings a person towards wholeness on all levels - body, emotions, mind and spirit.  Just as healing may help with a physical infection, bringing a boil more rapidly to a head, it helps to bring emotional 'pus' (which may have festered inside a person for years) to awareness, expression, release and resolution.  The love conveyed in healing soothes emotional wounds.  The personal sense of spirituality awakened and nurtured by healing introduces elements of hope and growth within the challenges of resolving a difficult situation, in both the worlds of outer and inner relationships.  Healing also reaches very quickly those parts which psychotherapy might not touch for many weeks or months, if at all.  For instance, physical symptoms which are commonly associated with emotional upsets may be diminished or resolved.
  Bella was brought up in a reserved family where feelings were not expressed openly.   Her parents had been proud of her for 'not making a fuss' when friends paid condolence visits after her grandfather's funeral.  She was surprised when tears welled up during healing in the second therapy session, associated with the loss of her job but also with the loss of her grandfather, who had been her dear friend in childhood.  Other resonations with the past, such as anger at her grandfather's 'abandoning' her, were also released as she worked through her angers at her loss of strength and activities due to the ME.  Gradually, as she released the current and earlier hurts, her 'overflow' of emotions ebbed.  Her ME also improved.
  Many healers tell me that healing alone, without psychotherapy, can do the same things.  My personal impression is that when healers have greater understanding of emotional problems and their resolution, their healing seems to find its way more quickly and thoroughly to where it is needed and is more effective.  It also seems important that healers know how to counsel clients about the releases of emotions which occur.  Healing works well on easing emotional  releases, but psychotherapy may be needed to integrate the materials released into new patterns of awareness and relationships.  Healing may ease the anxieties around reworking old mental patterns and may inject hope and spirituality, but it does not take the place of the hard work of examining one's beliefs and disbeliefs, one's fears and foibles, and then of deciding which are advisable to keep and which may be safe to relinquish.  I allow that these speculations may be misperceptions or misunderstandings on my part.  It would be nice to see serious research addressing these important questions.
 
References.
 
1. Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth. On Death and Dying, New York: Macmillan 1969
2. Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth. Living with Death and Dying, London: Souvenir 1982
3. Lee, John. At My Father's Wedding: Reclaiming Our True Masculinity, (See Book Reviews)
4. Levine, Stephen. Healing into Life and Death, Bath: Gateway 1989
5. Levine, Stephen. Who Dies? An Investigation  of Conscious Living and Conscious Dying, Bath: Gateway 1986
6. Harrison, John. Love Your Disease, It's Keeping You Healthy, London: Angus and Robertson 1984
7. Always
8. Prince of Tides.
 

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Copyright © Daniel J. Benor, M.D. 1992 Reprinted with permission of the author P.O. Box 76 Bellmawr, NJ 08099
www.WholisticHealingResearch.com   DB@WholisticHealingResearch.com 

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