Dr Craig Brown           

...It is when we find ourselves backing into a corner to elude the unpleasant and try to pull back yet farther from the fire of our unsatisfied longing that we establish residence in hell.  And there we are with nowhere to turn, 'no exit', trapped by our longing, unwilling to let go...
                                                          Stephen Levine - Who Dies?

There is one particular patient who will always stick in my mind.  She had a prolonged period of grief before committing suicide by throwing herself down the stairs.  It was two years after her husband's death.
  She and her husband had been a devoted couple.  They had no children, and did everything together.  They were keen gardeners and walkers, and enjoyed going to the theatre.  Suddenly, at the age of 62, he died following a heart attack.  Initially she appeared to be working through her grief, although it was affecting her badly.   She did have the support of her sister living nearby, and the neighbours did their best to help.  After six months she was clearly depressed and agreed to have psychiatric help.  Drugs were prescribed and counselling and supportive services offered.  She seemed to make some progress, but after the first anniversary of her husband's death she took a serious overdose of drugs.  She recovered, but remained a sad and lonely individual until her death.
  Since then I have noted that with couples who are very close, when one dies it takes a long time, if ever, for the surviving partner to adapt and continue their own lives.  It is more than social isolation and lack of family support that makes the grief so profound.  It is as if a large part of themselves is irretrievably lost forever.
  At one of my recent dream workshops  one of the participants related how in her dream "She was stumbling through a muddy forest when she came across the naked body of a man, near death.  That man was her father.  She noted it was early in the morning and despite his perilous condition she did not want to call a doctor."  Then she awoke.  In real life her own father was now very frail and losing some of his memory.  What is the meaning of this dream?
  In our dreams I believe that the people we dream about are really part of ourselves.  The father in this dream represents some of the male qualities of the dreamer.  She was able to identify these qualities as determination, strength and purpose.  These are underdeveloped qualities in herself.  The dream goes on to tell her that they don't need any doctoring and will develop naturally - metaphorically, as the sun rises in the day to revive the figure with its heat.
  In real life we choose people to project our hidden qualities onto.  That includes our friends and relatives.  It does not mean that the people we dream about do not have these qualities.  Indeed they do.  In a sense their qualities resonate with our own qualities and help us express them.
  The lesson of the dream is that when the dreamer's father does die, the qualities that he has of determination, strength and purpose do not die with him because they are qualities that the dreamer has.  When later she does think of her father it is a reminder to her to continue to develop these inner qualities.  This knowledge is comforting in grief.  It strengthens the understanding that we are all interconnected but separate individuals.
  The lady who committed suicide felt so helpless because she thought (probably at an unconscious level) that the qualities that she loved so much in her husband were extinguished with him when he died.  If only she could have understood that they were in her and did not die with him, she may have accepted his death and growth through the experience.
 
Dr Craig Brown is a General Practitioner in Rustington, West Sussex.  He has been working with a healer in his surgery for over five years and is researching spiritual dimensions of general practice.
 

You may quote from or reproduce these editorial clips if you include the following credits and email contact:
Copyright © Daniel J. Benor, M.D. 1992 Reprinted with permission of the author P.O. Box 76 Bellmawr, NJ 08099
www.WholisticHealingResearch.com   DB@WholisticHealingResearch.com
 
RETURN TO TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR THIS NEWSLETTER