Book Reviews (Jan 2011)

Al Ritter, The 100/0 Principle: The Secret of Great Relationships, Naperville, IL: Simple Truths 2010.

What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It's The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent. 
The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.

STEP 1 - Determine what you can do to make the relationship work...then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.

STEP 2 - Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.

STEP 3 - Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait.

STEP 4 - Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.

At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent commitment and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the "Knower" and shift to being the "Learner." Avoid Knower statements/ thoughts like "that won't work," "I'm right, you are wrong," "I know it and you don't," "I'll teach you," "that's just the way it is," "I need to tell you what I know," etc.

Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like "Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation," "I could be wrong," "I wonder if there is anything of value here," "I wonder if..." etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!

Principle Paradox

This may strike you as strange, but here's the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.

As I said before, this could be the most important book you'll ever read. It also makes a terrific gift for friends, family members and employees on your team.

See video 2 min 30 sec

Mac Anderson, Founder, Simple Truths

 

Lynne Namka, EdD. Your Quick Anger Makeover. Talk, Trust & Feel Therapeutics, Tucson, AZ.  $19.95, 226 pages

While I enjoy reading and reviewing books, I have had conflicting feelings in reviewing this book. To begin: the title, Your Quick Anger Makeover, is a misnomer. Anger and its variations (rage, resentment, irritation, annoyance, upsets...) tend to be chronic, deep-seated patterns of perceiving/thinking/judging/feeling/acting. In my own experience as a recovering ‘angerholic,’ there is nothing ‘quick’  about getting over anger. Secondly, the definition of the term ‘makeover’ is ‘a transformation or remodeling of something, especially a person’s hairstyle, makeup or clothes.’ It implies a superficial change or remodeling, as in changing one’s wardrobe. While it is possible to pretend, and ‘makeover’  one’s anger and behavior, I don’t think that this is the kind of deep change that true transformation requires;  nor is this (I believe)  what the author intends to communicate. The idea of a ‘quick makeover’ does not do justice to the wealth of ideas, tools and techniques contained herein.

Having said that, I can now begin a more intelligent discussion of this fine book. Dr. Namka has devoted many years to exploring, studying and working with anger, in herself, her family, and her clients. She has written a series of books on the subject for children (and their parents), appropriately named and colorfully illustrated, ‘THE MAD FAMILY GETS THEIR MADS OUT!’, ‘HOW TO LET GO OF YOUR MAD BAGGAGE’ and ‘PARENTS FIGHT. PARENTS MAKE UP. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.’  Namka has a true calling for working with children, and for educating and disseminating information about how to deal with anger and other emotional issues in healthy ways.    She established her own company, TALK, TRUST AND FEEL THERAPEUTICS, which publishers her books, and therapeutic toys for children, and has created an award-winning website, http://www.angriesout.com/.

Your Quick Anger Makeover is a rich resource, bordering on a mini-encyclopedia, on the best ways to handle and resolve anger, from common sense to trauma research to cognitive-behavioral and energetic/EP approaches. Namka’s writing style is breezy and engaging, ranging in tone from humorous and light-hearted to didactic, to passionate and encouraging (C’mon! You can do it!) The book is full of checklists and exercises designed to assist readers in observing their patterns, and techniques to assist them in changing and re-working those patterns.  

Topics include: Understanding and normalizing anger; emotional intelligence; the roots of anger in trauma, dissociation and PTSD; dynamics of blaming and projection; dealing with abusive partners; defenses and resistance; setting healthy boundaries; etc.   Techniques she recommends include ‘thought stopping,’ examining assumptions and projections, challenging dysfunctional beliefs, releasing blame, taking responsibility, and of course EFT, TAT and EP.

Transforming anger is not for sissies! It takes consistent, mindful effort to confront, challenge and change the patterns of a lifetime.  The title notwithstanding, Your Quick Anger Makeover is an excellent resource for those who are committed to making these changes.
 
Reviewed by John Freedom, CEHP
EFT/MBT Practitioner & Trainer
Chair, ACEP Research Committee
www.energypsych.org
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