The Longest 2 Minutes

by Tomy Bewick

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The longest 2 minutes
Of my entire 28-year existence
Came after 40 weeks and 2 days of waiting.
Heart beat racing
90% anticipation
No way to prepare for what I was facing,
Nothing in life to put it in context:
Such adrenaline, dopamine and pure intensity
Safe to say,
We had not been sleeping
And if so: lightly.
Nightly I would tense and flex
Planned responses
Emotions and methodology,
But any ideology gets tossed quickly
In a pinch...
It was a pinch;
Around her neck.

Umbilical noose
Not pulling loose,
Every inch drawing it tighter:
My daughter was born a fighter.
Doctor tied her with a clamp and cut quickly:
My eyes saw blur, squeeze, scissors,
Ears heard "sorry's"
And "SOMEONE: something-something QUICK!"
And then in came the specialist;
They lifted her tiny body
Purple, limp, silent...
The worst damn sound
In a delivery room
Is quiet,
Inside I was ready to riot,
"What's wrong with her?"
"Why isn't she crying?!"
Inside my heart breaking
As I wondered if before me
My newborn daughter was dying,
We clamped our damp hands:
Palm-to- palm as a hymn to god.
 
"She's fine"
I hear myself say...
But I see my hopes caving in
As I look at my love, who has carried this most precious gift
For 40 painful weeks and 2 days
Only to see the mission failing,
Eyes search delivery room wildly for limbs to be flailing
- 1 minute 30 seconds -
No new baby is wailing,
Suction noises slurping where there is supposed to be inhaling
- Waiting to exhale -
While the air/lung investigation is underway,
I have no choice but to look at my lover,
The mother I love,
The mother of this newborn babe and say;
"Babe, everything is going to be okay,
It's just been a really long day"
As I feel all the fears I have been hiding,
Riding up through the IV submerged in her sleeve
I must seek to deceive her,
Of the wit
That I have temporarily misplaced;
I pray that none of the terror tremors under my surface
Are showing on my face,
I place left hand over her horrified death-grip
And let 3 whispered words slip
"I'm right here".
Now, thanks to the epidural;
She's not really hearing me clear,
But she resiliently acknowledges my plea
Of affection and commitment.
My heart rate is explosive for those 2 minutes
Until an angel's choir shatters the thick air in the delivery room
And the suspense for everyone in it:
The absolute decadence of an infant's first cries...
I sense swelling beginning just under my eyes,
I realize I managed to keep my freaking out at bay,
But there is nothing in my closet full of skeletons
That comes remotely close to that day:
They lifted her tiny body,
Purple, limp and silent;

My world felt grey,
Shifted and almost collapsed
My skyscraper heart was about to fall flat
Until breath: sweet baby’s breath
Resurrected my faith in life
And I knew everything was all good.
I winked at my sweetheart
Like we shared the most intimate universal secret
And I knew she understood.
I went with the nurse and the incubator,
To the special care unit in the hall to the west,
Kissed my love's forehead before leaving
Stated the obvious like,
“Honey, we have just been blessed,
And there goes the ever-loving god-given living proof”
The longest 2 minutes
Of my entire 28 year existence
Came as my daughter was born
I give you my word it's the truth.
3 minutes later
My purpose became apparent;
My soul will never again have to question its use.
It is for love;
The sheer commitment of it
And standing still long enough
To be brave
In the face of fear,
It is for her,
My love,
My lady,
For my darling, my baby,
For my daughter, for the future:
I am right here.

Tomy Bewick
My Mouth Hurts Too Much
To Fight You:
Poems by Tomy Bewick, Lulu and More 2008, p. 79-81.  grrnstar@hotmail.com

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