Grief, Grace, and Transformation: A Window's Journey (Part3)
by Martina Steiger,ThD
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Your essence
Even though this is already
Your second birthday away from here
In your new home where you feel safe
I still miss you
I miss you in ever changing ways
Somehow it still hurts just as much
Or perhaps now even more
Despite all I have
More and more can I see your essence
All that was clouded or hidden from my view
While you were still alive
Less focus on the imperfections
I behold the Christ in you
Now so much easier to do
Help me accomplish that
With every person I meet
Enjoy your flight, my love
Soar through the sky
Let me feel your presence
Even though our distance keeps growing
(April 25, 2003)
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Scent (Paul's beloved 'eau de toilette')
Perfume in the car--
Two years later?
How and why now
All scent gone
Soon after you left
Nothing lingered even in your clothes
Now this
I can see your face light up
Simply deciding on the flavour of the day
You even returned after having departed
Simply to delight in the wafting mist of your perfume
What was it?
Your guise, your cover?
It made you feel good
But what reminds me now?
I feel restless, wanting
Though I have everything
I love so deeply
I love passionately
I trust, I have purpose
And yet?
The abyss has become my home
Finding the balance
Living in harmony
The only way possible
To negotiate the abyss
So why the scent?
Perhaps its conspicuous absence till now
Marks the imbalances that left
Its remarkable evocation points to the inclusion of all
Your presence in the seeming absence
Your presence in the void
Another step closer to our final goal
Yours and mine
Following our separate and seemingly
Opposing journeys
(June 30, 2003)
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Shooting star
Dark night, no lights only stars
All the power gone
Candles lit, feeling lost
All the pulse just gone
Looking around, touching, feeling
Only relying on the knowing
Nothing else is left
Only now, right now is here
Looking up into the sky
Beautiful stars, blinking steadily
The dark night appears brighter
The moon touching the sky
The bats are whooshing overhead
The damp blades tickle my feet
Drawn to look up again
Barely catching the shooting star
A sign from you?
Two years ago I saw your face
for the last time
Not really you any more-just a shell
Now I feel your essence
Like the brilliant shooting star
It seems you whizzed just through
A bright light only few could catch
I was and am the lucky one
And yet so perfect
Shooting from the hip
Know what I mean?
With your radiance in my life
A shooting star-never would have thought
You like the attention
When it suits you
You always knew
When to make an appearance
A shooting star- once here, now gone
Quickly, in the blink of an eye--just like you
Quietly, just like you, leaving all the rest behind
I loved the sight
I know it was you
Though never would have guessed
And yet, I am not surprised
You always found a way
To get my attention and to make your point
O shooting star, how I love you
I love you just the same
Perhaps even more
Or perhaps it only feels this way
Because the love is so much purer now
O shooting star, when you appear again
And you will
I know you will be different because I will have changed again
(August 14, 2003)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Faithful friend and companion
You are traveling with me
No longer husband and lover
Still friend and companion
Does your journey parallel mine?
Your presence, often fleeting,
Yet always comforting
Like a soft veil enfolding me
Speaking directly to and through my heart
I long for your voice and your caressing hands
I don't hear your voice,
Yet hear your words,
I love you still and always
Realizing I love you more each day
You tell me you must continue to move on
Just the way I do.
Perhaps that's why you feel lighter,
Your soul becoming spirit,
Clearer, more brilliant, more true
I am grateful to you
My faithful friend and companion.
(October 29, 2003)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My home -- the abyss?
How can I still believe
You could walk through this door at any moment?
And yet, that is precisely the felt sensation.
You have done it before--
Disappeared to come back.
What's the difference?
A voice simply states:
'Your place is in the abyss!'
I look up and I look around
Still holding my breath, afraid.
Where are you?
The abyss is looming again,
Shadows haunting me,
Where do I go?
Nowhere to hide in this vast space
Seemingly endless space.
I need to breathe.
Shadows staring me down.
Where are you?
I want to see you, touch you,
Nothing is in reach,
Yet all is there in this emptiness:
Silence, sound, emptiness, presence.
I am choking, realizing I cannot breathe.
'Speak,' I hear. Who? Me?
Do I have a voice in the abyss?
Echoes surround me now,
Strangely familiar sounds.
My voice, anger, despair, disbelief.
The void listens, steady presence,
Comforting space,
Inviting me to to explore.
Shadows are melting into the void,
Glaring light is warming the darkness.
Realizing I am at the edge,
Still feeling alone, not lonely,
Yet longing,
Suddenly seeing gentle hands
Beckoning to take the leap,
Just like you, I disappear,
Making room for a greater presence.
I can take a breath now,
Looking around, wondering
Who is the I now?
Less ego, more presence,
True connection with the abyss.
Life, death, rebirth--
Continuous process in the abyss--
My home?
(November 7, 2003)
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30 months ago today
Two and a half years ago today, I felt my body departing from me and leaving just a shell behind. Nine months later it began its journey back. It has taken another twenty-one months to completely renew itself. And that is precisely what seems to have happened. My body, mind, soul and spirit have each one separately and jointly renewed themselves, reinvented themselves. Each year equals at least one lifetime on many levels, it appears. Where have I been and where am I still to go?
I certainly have been to some of the darkest and most hidden, stark, frightening and even terrifying places over the course of these past few months. The journey opened wound after wound, and showed no mercy. And yet, especially during the darkest, most gruelling moments, a miracle occurred every time, even though I did not always recognize it as such then. However, the miracle did happen whenever I could finally connect my heart with my head and they could understand each other. How difficult it is to bridge this truly largest distance in the universe.
Why am I no longer afraid of where I am going? I believe because I am no longer afraid of death—my own or anyone else’s.
Paul’s death has shown me and continues to demonstrate to me how powerful spirit is and how beautifully it shines. I feel Paul’s love more strongly now than ever before—reminiscent only of those rare occasions when he could allow himself to open up his heart fully. Now his heart is open, wide open, and he can embrace the wonderful love I have been fortunate enough to feel and live for so many years of my life.
I have truly learned to believe the Universe provides and provides well, down to the smallest detail. A plan emerges—no credit to me—just ‘coincidence.’ As right now, where I have the opportunity to sing the Mozart Requiem—that piece of music that so much summarized the day of the funeral for me. Now it is becoming an opportunity to celebrate—celebrate Paul, his life and death—yet only after I just ordered Paul’s headstone, which carries the inscription ”I celebrate you.”
I will always miss you, Paulus, in many different ways. I will always honour you. You are very special to me and you truly taught me a lot. Thank you for looking out for me and protecting me every step of the way.
I know now for certain you tried your very best to accompany me and just could go no further. I can now appreciate those very sincere efforts and am truly sorry for all the heartache and pain our inability to grow together caused both of us. I am grateful, though, we stayed together until your death. I am finally ready, willing and able to see that you went as far as you could in your life, as far as you wanted to go. Now you are finally able to fly and to enjoy yourself fully. We are still together even though on completely different planes—or aren’t they so different after all? Thank you for all the ways in which you keep demonstrating your love and support to me.
I have no idea where LIFE is going to take me. And I know with God’s help and yours, I will always have the courage to go where I am sent. My ultimate goal is serving mankind and becoming the best possible person I can be.
I am still not sure I understand how I could live through all those drastic changes the last thirty months and still be at once the same, while simultaneously being a completely different person.
Living proof of the ultimate paradox of the abyss? (February 15, 2004)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hug
I would like a hug from you,
Right here, right now
I know it is impossible
Right here, right now.
A hug from you -- what does it feel like?
Will I feel your heart?
Your grace and understanding?
Your compassion and your passion?
My whole being needs that hug.
What can you say instead
To bridge the distance between us.
Is it even 'us'?
I know so little and yet so much,
It seems,
The more I trust
The more confused I am
Since nothing conforms to the rules any more.
'Break them,' I hear again and again
"And then what?" I ask,
'Then you'll have the chance
Of creating what you wish.'
What I wish though right now
Is a hug
So help me, what do I do?
'Feel his presence, breathe, and
Sink right into it
Let go, just allow yourself to BE
Then you will know and feel the hug.'
(February 17, 2004)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Music and sound
Music, sound
Floating, drifting, gently resounding in my soul
Tears, feelings,
Joyful sadness or perhaps sad joy
I hear the piano
Through a fog
I flush, needing to breathe,
Eyes closed, ears open
Faintly sensing the music
Like a cloak lightly wrapped around me
More tears, hot and steadily
Pasting runs on my cheeks
I finally know Paul’s here
I look and search
Yet cannot see
I accept the fleetingness of the moment
--and there he is
Finally I can feel his touch
Gentle, soft and firm
Trusting, caressing, caring
Telling me, assuring me
All is well
Paul feels so good now
“I love my existence-never expected it to be just so.
I now know the love you have always known
Thank you for loving me so deeply.”
Paul’s still here—in my heart
Now I know
I sense his touch
In so many varied ways.
With me forever
Growing together
Yet standing apart
Strong and united
Now beautiful and real
Then impossible, unreal
Worlds apart
Spirits joined
Supportive, joyous
Celebrating the arrival of ultimate grace
Finding the elusive joy and peace (April 30, 2004)
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Trusting
Is this what it is about?
What is the difference between trust and
surrender
Trusting what or whom?
Surrender what or to whom perhaps?
Is it perhaps the same?
In the darkness of the Abyss
For a moment there is fear again
Fear of falling, failing, being
Unable to see or to move
Afraid of the now and the future
Unable to invoke the past
The darkness is heavy
Restricting the breath
What is happening?
Why is there no light?
‘The darkness is only a reflection,’
I hear in a voice quite familiar by now
And I know, reluctantly admitting to myself
It is true—the reflection of my fears
Fears of fully trusting
All of the Abyss
Still holding out, protecting parts of the ego
Waiting to be in charge
A flickering light emerges
Deep from within—
Within me or the void?
Perhaps it does not matter
Since it is all the same and part of me
I can look around now
And realize what I must do—
Take each step
TRUSTING I am protected
While fully aware of my surroundings
Even when blinded by the darkness
I take a deep breath
Turn around and start walking
Trusting I will find my way
Surrendering my ego, my fears
Noticing the light shining ever more brightly
The deadly silence now has turned
Into the most soothing and brilliant music
Gently soaring through
Each pore and breath into my body
My mind becomes still
My body is strangely alert and relaxed
My spirit is present and free
No more darkness, no more threatening silence
Only light and quiet stillness
My heart is illuminating the Abyss from
within
God is within
I am in God
I TRUST and thus I SURRENDER
(May 21, 2004)
Martina Steiger
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