How can I accept
How can I accept losing you?
All my life and love,
My comfort and peace
Came through you
Through your acceptance of me and my acceptance of you
You are gone from this life
Leaving a huge hole that seems to swallow up
Anything and everything in its way,
Including me
How can I accept losing you?
My friend, companion,
Lover and husband
At once loving, romantic, charming,
Yet unsentimental real, provocative,
Constantly challenging the world we lived in.
How can I accept losing you?
Never once were you at a loss for words.
You always had solutions.
Your creativity knew no limits.
Your wit ensured wonderful laughs and surprises for all around you.
Your generosity touched so many in unexpected ways.
How can I accept losing you?
No one there -- emptiness,
Darkness ready to engulf me,
Struggling to resist temptation
To follow you into life on the other side.
How can I accept that I have a life without you?
How can I accept that I matter without you?
How can I accept that there is meaning in my life without you?
How can I accept that my life is truly worth living without
your physical presence in it?
How can I accept that your absence does not mean your love has disappeared?
How can I accept that your death does not mean God does not exist or that
God wants to punish me?
How can I accept that even I am part of the Divine?
How can I accept that your death is just a transformation, not the end, perhaps
just another beginning?
What will provide me the peace I need that may lead me to acceptance?
(April 10, 2002--8 month anniversary of Paul's death)
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What made me commit?
I want so much to be with you,
Your arms wrapped around me,
Blanketing me, giving me warmth
Defining the place I feel I belong.
Death for me so I can join you?
Tempting me wherever I am,
No matter what I do,
Wanting out of here,
Leaving the emptiness and the meaningless world behind.
And yet, there is the pull to stay.
What made me commit?
Who was it?
Why did I promise to continue in this world?
Where do I belong now?
Where is my place?
No one to comfort me, to hold me, to envelop me,
Unless God can find me in my wilderness and warm me up,
Shower me with his grace and forgiveness that I need so much.
Oh Lord, provide me with the acceptance, love, trust and peace
That have eluded me for months--perhaps even years.
Make me feel there is a place for me here, somewhere,
I need to have a place, a purpose and a reason to continue.
Let me feel the love around me,
Let it come through me and fill me.
Oh Lord, I need you, your love, wisdom, and help.
How can I ever believe I am worthy of you and your love?
(April 11, 2002)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Letting go
There are so many meanings of letting go
Because letting go means acceptance
And what's that you ask
Perhaps to accept that life IS
That life is good, all of life is good and has a purpose,
Especially when it does not appear that way
Letting go means faith--
In me, in you, in the divine plan
Letting go means love so deep and complete
Everything and everyone is forgiven
Letting go means embracing the NOW MOMENT
Can I do that? NOW?
(Dec 18, 2002)
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Letting you go
I love you enough
That I can finally let you go
Are you celebrating the arrival of other spirits?
How does it feel to experience true joy and peace?
Perhaps now your peace and joy can be complete
As perhaps mine will be
I am sorry if I held you back
I did not mean to
I suppose it was the only way
For me to survive and stay here
Thank you, once again,
For allowing me to do so.
I love you so much
That I must let you go entirely
Whenever I can
So you can be you
The way I need to learn to be me
Each one alone and yet,
I do feel we are closer than ever before
Or am I just imagining?
(December 19, 2002)
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We is now I here
We is no longer
You everywhere
I here
I must find you out there
Believing that you are celebrating
Celebrating on the other side
I must let go of my fears
My fears for you
I must believe
You are celebrating there
Free, joyfully, and peacefully
As promised and as always longed for
Even when you denied it
This anniversary today--seventeen years ago--
What a different world
Perhaps I can begin today
To celebrate you, all of you,
To thank you for all the gifts
You brought into my life
To express my eternal gratitude to you
Because without you I would not be me
(Dec 19, 2002)
(CONTINUED)
Click here for
Part 3 of Grief, Grace and transformation
Martina Steiger, Th.D. is Assistant Professor at Holos University Graduate Seminary in Spiritual Healing & Integrative Health. Dr. Steiger has a private practice, "Transitions," in interactive subtle energy medicine and spiritual healing in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada. She conducts workshops on stress management through GUSª, a wholistic, multi-modal program she developed. Her thesis has demonstrated significant effects of GUSª in reducing stress and enhancing self-image. She also teaches how to access intuition, the integration of complementary and conventional medicine, and effecting change in the educational system through caring for and restoring the soul, while moving gracefully through each moment of beingness towards wholeness.
martina4847@earthlink.net
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