Holes

How is it possible to bear the grief of losing 

When every movement appears to take more energy

Than this fragile leaf can muster

No memories are easing the strained breath

Why are you not out there?

How dare you leave!

Endless minutes, days and weeks have passed

No sign of you!

Where have you gone?

Perhaps now I understand loneliness

In the middle of a crowd

Disconnected so completely

Nothing seems to take hold

Love?

Why hold on to it

It hurts so much once gone

Is that the root?

Your leaving has opened up so many wounds

Where they there before?

Were you the ointment? (March 1, 2002)

Like craters on a glacier

Gaping, crying out

Did they exist before?

Did your leaving cause them?

Those holes--the abyss?

The loneliness in the middle of a crowd

The disconnectedness so complete

Nothing takes hold

Love--who are you?

The villain or the ointment?

Endless minutes, hours, days, and weeks,

No sign of you, my love,

Why let love in

Dead or alive

A fraction of a second apart

Breathe -- stop

Worlds apart

For you not that hard,

Even an exciting journey

Where do I find the answer?

Breathe -- don't stop

Still worlds apart

For you --what does it mean?

Are you enjoying yourself now?

For me -- what does it mean?

How can I find a reason to continue?

Breathe -- don't stop

Still worlds apart

Perhaps your love and smile

Can reach my wounded soul

To find my way back to the fork in the road

Then breathe through the rest of

Belong

A dreaded word since your death

You belonged to me -- how foolish a thought

You did not belong to me

And yet I tried to claim you

You fought it before -- fiercely independent

You belonged to you -- did you?

What about now?

Where do you belong now?

I belonged to you -- how foolish a thought

Since you are no longer here

It has become so meaningless

No, not meaningless

Does it mean I belong to the dead?

Because that's where I feel I belong

But I am here -- not dead

So where do I belong?

Am I alive simply because I am not dead?

That again is too simple

If I am alive

Where do I belong? (March 6, 2002)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Restless hands, strong fingers

Softly caressing me

A stone-age ago

Hands forming a chalice

Are they my protector now?

Why can I not feel them,

See them, or sense them?

Am I part of these hands

Can I dissolve into them?

Perhaps then I can feel you again

Restless hands, strong fingers

If I stop breathing

Will I be with you?

Hands forming a chalice

Showing me the rose

Why a rose as an answer?

If I continue breathing

Will I be with you?

Sorrow, grief, lament, pain,

Sadness, immeasurable longing.

Where are you? (March 11, 2002)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Without you

Take me into your arms
Hold me tight

Tell me all will be all right

Show me the light and your love

Then I won't feel so alone

Share with me where you have gone

Perhaps that will ease the pain

Hearing your joy and happiness

Seeing you lost all your sadness

Joke with me in your familiar fashion

In your own quirky sense of humour

That always provided both of us with armour

Against the pull from inside the box

Where both of our families wanted us to be

Yet there was so much more to see

Together we managed to be free

Without you the pull is just so great

And all of my feelings of fear and hate

Have returned, stronger than ever

Hold me in your arms

Let me feel you

How can I live without you? (March 14, 2002)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Don't desert me!

To answer the question 'how are you?'

        Seems impossible when I am not even sure I am

To answer the question 'how is it going?'
        Is impossible because I am not sure about the IT

To answer the question 'why aren't you calling?'

        Is easy because I am too exhausted to pick up the phone

To answer the question 'why aren't you asking for help?'

        Is more complex because I don't think there is anything you can do.

That leaves you helpless just like me

So ask yourself the question, why you are expecting me to smile or behave as usual?

You want your life to return to normal just like me.

So don't ask. Just be and accept.

Perhaps in your feeling the lack of control

You can understand where I am

So just be there for support

Listen and love. Don't offer advice.

Don't judge.

Don't expect the old me because she has departed and won't ever return

Accept my grief as a token of my love

When you want me to smile, realize

That it is your vulnerability that is talking.

Don't talk about my lack of strength

When I am sad or crying

It is your lack of comfort with my journey through the abyss

That wishes for me to pretend

To ask me to pretend is asking the impossible

The journey of grief is a journey about truth -- my truth, your truth

It is a journey where I feel stripped to the core,

Unable to hide from anyone,

Least of all from myself or God

If I appear rude of unsociable,

Remember that I barely have the strength to breathe

Breathe with me to allow me to be

Perhaps then, together with your presence

I can become whole again                    (March 17, 2002)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Gazing into my eyes

Affirming life and love

Stroking, caressing my cheeks

Sending warmth through my body

Allowing it to feel vibrant and alive

Beautiful breath descending

Connecting to the earth and the sky

Floating yet anchored through you

Accepted, acknowledged

Supported and loved

No one holding my face now

Dead eyes, lifelessly staring into mine

Showing emptiness and a vacuum

Cold air touching my cheeks

Sending shivers through my body

Causing it to flee

Fighting the breath that cannot descend

Searing all connections to the earth and sky

Fragmented mind and body

Isolated soul

Searching, yearning, mourning

        Looking into the mirror
        No longer seeing two
        Only the waving hands
        Gazing, searching

         
        Looking into the mirror
        Hoping to see two
        Yet knowing
        The veil distorting both

                  Looking into the mirror

        Trying to lift the veil
        Unable to distinguish
        Even just the one

         
        Looking into the mirror
        Through the veil at the reflection
        Shifting transformation

        Shaping to find the one

 
        Looking into the mirror
        With the veil lifted enough
        To see the image of the one
        Clearly without fail     

        Looking into the mirror
        Showing the one
        Through the veil the shimmer of hope
        Fleeting reflection of the other

         
        Looking into the mirror
        Both waving back
        On either side of the veil
        Creating together a new image of two

        (March 18, 2002)      


(CONTINUED)

Click here for Part 2 of Grief, Grace and transformation 

Martina Steiger, Th.D.  is Assistant Professor at Holos University Graduate Seminary in Spiritual Healing & Integrative Health. Dr. Steiger has a private practice, "Transitions," in interactive subtle energy medicine and spiritual healing in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada. She conducts workshops on stress management through GUSª, a wholistic, multi-modal program she developed. Her thesis has demonstrated significant effects of GUSª in reducing stress and enhancing self-image. She also teaches how to access intuition, the integration of complementary and conventional medicine, and effecting change in the educational system through caring for and restoring the soul, while moving gracefully through each moment of beingness towards wholeness.
martina4847@earthlink.net