How a Program of Movement, Breathing, and Meditation Served as a Catalyst for Healing and Spiritual Growth in My Life

by Scott Hackman

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I’ve always been a very sensitive and spiritual person, and knew I wanted to serve God and others through the ministry. I went to a Christian college to fulfill this dream, and graduated with a youth ministry degree a year ago. Since then, I have been working full time as a youth minister at a large, non-denominational church located outside of Philadelphia, and so far it seems to be a good choice of career for me. I am 23 years old and was married 10 months ago to a wonderful young woman who has been my best friend since high school. Life is good, but I have learned that I must take care of myself so that I can stay healthy and strong. Let me tell you the story of my healing journey.

Since I was in junior high school, I can remember suffering from severe anxiety and intermittent depression. I also had a chronic stomachache that wasn’t quite nausea, and wasn’t quite acid reflux. Intermittent diarrhea was the norm for me. I took a lot of antacid, and came to view those little pills as my friends! An event that seemed to precipitate some of these symptoms was when my father was diagnosed with a significant, chronic illness. We had recently found a charismatic church where we worshipped and it was wonderful, but our church community did not come through for us in this time of crisis. We faced this difficult time without the clergy and community we thought we could count on. It was painful, and for a while I turned away not only from that church, but from any style of worship that resembled that church. This is significant, because in that style of worship I had found a freedom and holistic approach that had been very satisfying for me. In the charismatic approach, I had felt a connection of my body-mind and spirit and it had felt good. The letdown of losing that church along with facing the challenges my father’s condition presented was a lot for me to bear at such a young age.

My anxiety and depression continued throughout college. Just when I would get the symptoms under control, I’d fall apart again. Sometimes I didn’t know if I would live through it. I tried everything from medication to counseling. Spiritually I was struggling, never feeling that my theology or current modes of worship provided a context for my powerful emotional life. At a point of desperation, I enrolled in the Yoga/Pilates course taught by Professor Christina Jackson, hoping it would help me. I knew I had no control over my mind or my body, and my self-esteem was at an all time low.

The only thing I knew about yoga was some simple breathing and meditation a friend had taught me at a high school party. After a few classes I began to notice I was in my body- I felt like one unified, strong muscle. My body began to speak to me in a way that made sense. During the day, I would notice my neck becoming tense or my stomach aching at the least bit of stress. This was a profound experience for me, because I had been disconnected from my body. In my religious upbringing, knowing your body was not something that was emphasized. As I practiced yoga, I began to feel more and more like a unit instead of fragmented pieces. Metaphorically, I had always felt like I was trying to pick up the pieces of my self each day. With yoga class twice a week, this changed. The first dramatic realization was that I no longer had a stomachache. I had come to accept stomach pain as a normal thing! After a few months of class, I also noticed that my depression had lifted, and that my self-confidence was considerably stronger.

I have always been an athlete, and I have always been in touch with my emotions. Still, I had never experienced any form of exercise that didn’t leave me feeling empty. I never had much of a competitive drive, and I always felt a bit weird for being such an emotionally sensitive person. In yoga, I found a form of exercise that left me feeling strong, connected through my body, mind and spirit, and peaceful. I often left class with a clear mind and a sense of euphoria.

I loved and related to the non-competitiveness of yoga. I felt connected to classmates, even if I did not know them. As the semester continued, I had more spiritual encounters both during and outside of class. For example, during the sun salutations, I began to realize that I was connected to more than my body, my body was connected to the people in the room and the spirit in the room was connected to the spirit in the world. Now I know in some Christian communities I grew up in this kind of talk could get me ostracized, but I no longer fear rejection. I have come to accept myself.
Through each class, my body was pushed to a new level of strength, and I always learned something about myself. For example, if I came to class un-detached from things happening in my life and didn’t focus on staying in the present moment, I didn’t get as much out of it. If I truly engaged myself in the class and used the time to release negative experiences and emotions, it was wonderful, and I left feeling good and peaceful. My own intention and discipline made a big difference.

While I don’t practice yoga regularly now that the class ended, I do use aspects of it on a daily basis. For example, I use the breathing techniques regularly to stay focused and relaxed. While meeting with colleagues, parents, or youth, I will often adjust my body posture to feel more balanced and relaxed, and to project this to the person I’m talking with. I have seen this work in situations where the conversation is getting tense. To do such a simple thing as shift my position can make a big difference in the interaction.

I know that I will engage in a regular yoga practice again in the future.

I am also seeking increasingly holistic ways to worship and minister to the youth I work with. I have come to realize that this is necessary in order to honor the way we’re created as well as to acknowledge the uniqueness of individuals. To deny this does not feel comfortable to me, and so I must follow God’s leading and be myself. This might mean that we use more music, or add breathing and movement exercises, or bring in the emotional aspects of self to our worship experience, or that I choose to self-disclose when I feel the spirit leading me to do so. The youth program in my church has grown rapidly, and I get positive feedback from the students. I wonder how much of this growth may be because of the authenticity I strive for in my own faith journey, and how I try to use my whole self in my daily life.

When I listen to my body, mind and spirit, I stay balanced. When I don’t engage my whole self and lose touch with aspects of myself, I feel bad. I will still use medication and counseling if I need them for depression, but now I recognize when I need them, and I can use the techniques I learned in yoga to help myself.

When God wants me to sing, I sing. When he wants me to breathe, I breathe. When he wants me to be silent, I meditate. If God can heal us, and I believe he can, I believe he can use anything or anyone as an instrument. I believe God used yoga to help me heal.

Scott Hackman
100 Main Street
Harleysville, PA 19438
scott.hackman@branchcreek.org

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