Humor

by Anonymous

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Dear Reader,

You are invited to forward all healer jokes to the IJHC. We have been unable to find any that are suitable for sharing.

Here are some internet "passalongs."

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How does the Buddha order at the fast food diner ?
"Make me one with everything."
                                               Anonymous

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REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it
seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through
annals of history but not! a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and
ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by
truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How
can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise
guy are opposites?

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few
are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell
another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?

Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone
who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable! ? And where are all those
people who
ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it. hmmmmmmm?
Internet passalong
                                                   Anonymous

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